2011-06-20(Mon)

So much shit

If you don't want to read the wall of text about how my life sucks keep on scrolling down to get to my drawings!

So I think I am developing this.. something me and my friend called the "Summer Syndrome" as it only happens during the summer. It's the time where we just get sad in general about life and what not. Because there's no school to keep us occupied, our thoughts are filled with just the worst feelings and things like that.. Me and my lack of confidence, me not standing up for myself, being a failure when it comes to my own skills, wishing I never existed because I seriously do not even know what my purpose is, being completely useless at everything, not being skilled enough to do some things, being trashed away by some friends, not being in a relationship, being ugly, etc..

These are the things I think about when alone LOL I know it's.. kind of depressing ahaha I should work on it I know but the only way I can cope with it is play videogames or watch shows and that kind of stuff. Even drawing makes me depressed nowadays because everyone else just does a better job than me. I am not saying this because I want compliments, I just... feel this way and I don't think any compliment would suffice. Although a friend of mine said that compliments at least help even a little bit.. But I don't know..

I've also been wondering about my friends.. Are they really my friends? Are they really trustworthy? Are they just friends with me for a reason? Will they hear me out whenever I'm feeling this way? Do they even have time for me?

The other night just.. left a really bad taste on my mouth. I went to the night club alone and I was supposedly going to see my friends inside. I told them to wait for me outside as I was alone and I didn't want to go alone. But guess what they weren't outside so I went in to look for them.. It was incredibly awkward looking around like a derp for people in the dark. My eyes are already bad enough as it is so I helped myself to not stare too much into people's faces orz it really sucked.. ;__; I told them to wait for me but they didn't.. How hard is it to wait for your friend? I guess it's a good idea to leave someone looking for you while you're at the dance floor. Yes, a very good idea. Good job. I also do not have a phone and she did this knowing my circumstance ;__;

Good thing later on I saw my friends come in and then it all got better. But ahh my friends are in relationships so they had partners and whatnot while I stood and danced by myself like a derp. Never doing it again. Going there was an absolutely bad idea. And when I had to go home they left me in the taxi cause she had to go somewhere with her boyfriend. So I was left alone. And by the time I went home no one was answering the door for 2 hours I was just outside crying and nowhere to go. I don't know how they thought I had a key with me when I clearly didn't bring anything with me that night. I got really frustrated.

Maybe I was just being selfish? I guess waiting around for a friend is no fun that they'd rather just abandon the idea and go ahead with themselves.. And well, she needed alone time with her boyfriend too so they left me alone to go home. But then again... I have always been the understanding one. It's always me who has to understand but no one has to understand me nor does anyone give a fuck about me and what I feel. Sometimes I don't think I need friends just with reasons like these. I am not really worth anyone's time. I might as well be left alone if this is just the way I am going to be treated. ;___; If this is how friends make me feel then I seriously do not need them.

I would have done things differently if I were the one. I would have waited for any of my friend that's going in alone. Or at least chill next to the entrance. There are seats and tables in there it's not that hard to wait for someone and it's not like the dance is going to stop at anytime. I would have waited for my friends because looking for people in a dark place where everything is fucking loud is the worst idea I could ever have thought of, especially without a phone. But that's what -I- would have done. I would make sure my friend safely goes home first before I even depart and leave her alone especially at 2am in the morning.

Am I being just selfish? At this point I don't even care at all.. They wanted me to come over yesterday too but you know what? I am not going for obvious reasons. ;___; Don't make me feel even more shitty than I am right now. Just please don't make it worse. ;___;

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So for people following this blog just for the sake of art, here are some stuffs I've drawn in the past few days.. I'm trying to keep motivated but I really have no motivation to draw at all...



Aegis! This was a little gift for Krio. He left for China a few days ago and I miss him already! I can't play Shadow Hearts without him around /SOB/ Hope you're doing well there man~




Here's Xun for Hika~ I have difficulty drawing manry men and forehead men orz but I really like the aura Xun gives off! So cool and manry awwyeah Hika's characters are always a must for me to draw for some reason LOL




This is my full body rough for my Manifold Accord character! Drawing legs are actually pretty fun despite the difficulty to not make them look awkward.. I really need to draw more legs yah?




Then this one's a gift for a friend of mine; Chiika! I drew our "rumored" couple(?!) characters from the roleplay group Aldora Parade. (Right is a girl *coughs blood*) For some reason I don't think they look "inlove" on this picture. I think they look high actually LMAO--//HIT// I-I was just going for the sexy kind of.. look or feel but NO THEY LOOK HIGH GUYS AHAHAHA--//HITHIT

Now to make more birthday presents SOBCRY orz

and that's it for my drawings!
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Herrroooo I'm a person who is always unsure of everything. This blog will mostly consist of ranting and OC and fandom doodles! 8D

Current fandoms: Shadow Hearts:Covenant, MadoMagi, AnoHana
Current OC obsession: Ingressio Project

Forever Fandom: Tales of Series

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